I'd rather

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After the show, we stopped to pee somewhere on I35 and we were looking for a sticker to put on Gertie. However, the fuckers in Dallas do not make bumper stickers that say "I left my heart in Dallas with Chris." Which frankly, was quite shocking. I mean, how could they not have those? So instead, I’ll just have it tattooed on my chest. Along with "Big Freaking DORK". In big letters.


I have had thirty-six hours in the car since Saturday night to think about Dallas and Chris, and I still don’t have the words to say what I want.

On Thursday, Carrie and I left Roanoke at five. We drove all night and all of the next day through two thunderstorms and three hours waiting out traffic in Austin and we got to SJ’s house in Laredo at nine Friday night. We slept on her floor and left the next morning. We reached Dallas around four and met up with msktrnanny, kare, nothinggold, and between_names. Then we went to the club, ate dinner, blah blah blah.

Around 12:15, OHNO started setting up so we made our way to the front of the stage. I managed to squeeze my fat ass right in front of the stage behind one tiny little woman. OHNO rocked out, I got a little up-close-and-personal time with the lead singer (as well as a concussion, cause man was he into the music), who was beautiful and fun to watch, and then a girl behind me pointed out that Chris was standing by the side of the stage. And that was enough for me. I could have been happy with that. Because even the most beautiful picture of him does not compare to how gorgeous he is in person. I could have been happy just watching him, hidden by a dozen or so people. That alone would have been enough. And then he got on stage.

I completely froze. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t applaud, I just stood there with my mouth open. Because if I moved, I was going to miss something. I was close enough to reach out and touch him and it was just ... there are no words. I’ve never been even in the same state as him, never been to a concert or a meet and greet and my first Chris experience was perfect. You can’t wish for anything better. He was RIGHT THERE.

It wasn’t a Mary-Sue come true. It was so much BETTER than that. SO MUCH. He was on stage for ten minutes. He said "fuck", "fucking" and "fuck you". He said "beating off". He said he’d been in a funk and his friends in OHNO helped pull him out. One girl, who happened to be fucking hammered, screamed out "I love you". He said it back and she blew a kiss at him. And then he stopped and looked straight at her and said "Is that all you got?" He looked happy and comfortable and better than I have ever seen him look. He was quick and witty and I am so in love with the Chris that I saw there. It was amazing.

Others have probably said it better, or differently, but this is it for me. Stuff like this never happens to me. And in one weekend, I had the best experience of my dreams.
The fatigue, the anxiety, the money worries, the "I’m going to fail out of college" worries, it was so worth it. I am paying for it now in numerous ways. I made people worry, I took ten years off my best friend’s life, I am now in so much debt, I am behind in my school work and I’m so tired I could sleep for a week. But I would go through it all again even for just that one glimpse of him.

Because it was better than any daydream, or any fantasy. Because it was real. *insert big cheesy sigh here*. And then he got off the stage and everyone dispersed and what did I do? I cried. I stood there with tears running down my face, crying like a big thirteen year old. The only saving grace to that is that Chris had already left. In my defense, I was running on no sleep and little food and ten tons of anxiety. However, that was still incredibly lame and I apologize to Kare and SJ for having to see that. No apologies to Carrie though because she’ll be making fun of me for that until we’re ninety.

I want this Chris. I want him just like this, confident and happy and snarky. Because this Chris is as close to perfection as you can get.

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So yeah. That’s it. I’m looking for mp3s and pictures, so if anyone is willing to share, I’d be immensely appreciative. Other than that, I’m going to go baby-sit and then take a nap and later find my professor and apologize for missing both of her classes today.

Catch y’all on the flip side.
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